


The Weight I Carry Along

by ChaoticHeroine



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 17:30:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11468286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticHeroine/pseuds/ChaoticHeroine
Summary: Companion piece to my last work. Extended version of the sestra scene from 5x04. Sarah deals with guilt.





	The Weight I Carry Along

She tries not to think of it much. The empty feeling in her chest, like something was missing, taken from her. She feels worn out, faded and distressed like her favorite pair of jeans. She instead focuses on the anvil-heavy weight in her chest. This is a feeling she is all too familiar with.

Guilt.

She's been avoiding _her_.

She walks towards the doorway of the convent bedroom, half expecting to see the Helena she first knew. Helena, sharp and dangerous. Helena, lonely and abused.

It isn't until then that she realizes she can't even remember the last time she was face to face with her sister.

She steps through the doorway and sees _her_.

She looks _softer_. The pink around her eyes nearly faded, the boney, malnourished figure traded for the roundness of pregnancy. She looks _healthy_.

"Oi, meathead." Sarah smiled, walking closer into the golden light of the room.

" _Sestra_." Helena breathes, a smile reaching the corner of her mouth. "You came to see me?"

"Yeah. Missed you." Sarah shrugs.

"Donnie Hendrick told you our secret?"

"Yeah."

The quiet nun hovered around Helena, giving her a look that Sarah couldn't interpret.

" _Su moy sim'ya_ " Helena reassured the woman. "We are family."

The nun smiled, planting a kiss on Helena's mop of blonde hair before leaving the room. Sarah was glad that Helena had someone here who cared about her.

"Sestra Irina was kind to me when I was a child in the Ukraine." Helena spoke  
as Sarah inched forward, closer to the bed. "She protect me from other nuns, so they call her blasphemer and they take her tongue." Helena gestured crudely, giving a visual to the horrific tale.

"Oh." Sarah breathed.

Helena acknowledged Sarah's response, before quickly changing the subject.

"I'm writing my memories."

"Your memoirs?" Sarah asked, smiling at Helena's slight mistranslation.

Helena nodded, shutting the book on her lap and sitting it beside of her. "Sit, sestra." Helena caught her breath as she repositioned herself on the bed. "I think your heart is heavy."

Sarah wondered if she was hiding it that badly. Or maybe Helena just knew.

Helena always knew.

"Yeah." Sarah replied, running a hand through her hair. "There's just a lot on my mind."

"Then maybe it is best to speak your thoughts?" Helena tilted her head as she asked her question.

Sarah sat forward, sighing. "It's all this shit with Rachel, and Neolution...And then there is Kira." Sarah said, trying to ignore the lump in her throat. "I can't give Kira what she wants. She's cutting herself for answers I don't have."

"I cut myself since I was small," Helena began to speak, careful and soft. "But I stopped, when I found peace, and my sestras accepted me."

Sarah met her sister's eyes, that familiar feeling of guilt weighing her down like lead, piercing like a bullet. (Not unlike the one she used to shoot H--)

Helena's voice breaks the silence.

"She is an old soul. You should share our horrors with her." 

"God, I don't want her dealing with what we do." Sarah protested, though she knew that Helena was speaking the truth.

"But she will have to, you know this."

Sarah sighed. Helena was right. She sounded like a mum already, so full of sage wisdom.

Sarah truly had missed her.

"I wasn't a good sister to you." She brings herself to say the words that have been bouncing in her head for...well she isn't sure how long.

"Yes." Helena replied, a tiny mischievous grin touching the very edge of her lips. "We tried to kill each other."

Sarah can't help but let a sad chuckle escape at that statement. It's true, and yet it seems so outrageous to imagine that a little over a year ago she was at near fatal odds with this person, her twin sister, that she loved so fiercly. So much had changed since then.

"No after that." Sarah moves on the bed to face Helena. "I avoided you. My twin, my other self." She says sadly. "You scared me. It's cause of what you felt." Words that had been so hard to say before were now flowing out like water. Like tears.

"You knew we were connected. Kira feels that too. She feels all of us. But I didn't unt-" Sarah's words catch in her throat, tears welling in her eyes. "'Til I was half dead on that island. She flowed right through me and picked me up." Sarah breathed in deeply, trying to muster the strength to speak again. "Is that what it is? Is that what it feels like?"

"Yes." Helena smiled. " _Here_." Helena's hand rested on Sarah's temple. " _Here_." Helena's hand moved to Sarah's heart.

  
"I don't give a shit about our genetics, this is what Rachel can't have." Sarah said, a new resolve in her voice.

"I think this old man and Rachel," Helena repositioned again, then caught her breath, "after babies, we will kill them."

Somewhere between proud and ashamed that Helena would still kill for her, Sarah smiled. "No, you're gonna take care of your babies."

"Miracle babies. Like us." Helena said, adoration in her voice.

Sarah reached out gently, putting a hand atop Helena's belly, as Helena locked fingers with her own.

"Yeah." Sarah breathed, looking up at her sister as she felt the familiar movement of elbows and feet against taut flesh. "They at least letting you get some rest?"

"Yes." Helena responded. "But they are running out of room I think."

"Yeah, I get that." Sarah responded, remembering the last days before Kira was born. Sarah moved up to the top of the bed, positioning herself beside of Helena. "Shit, have you been doing alright, since the surgery?"

"Tired. Very sore. But Sestra Irina knows medicine, so she helps me." Helena replied.

"That's good, yeah." Sarah nodded.

"Yes," Helena began, her tone slightly darker. "But one of my babies will still be born with a scar."

Sarah couldn't help but remember how fast Kira healed when she was struck by a car, and how somehow that didn't make it feel any more okay, or make Sarah feel any less guilty.

"Oh, meathead, that isn't your fault." Sarah once again laced fingers atop her sisters abdomen. "You know they already love you. More than anything. You are gonna be such a great mum."

"Like sestra Alison? Like you?" Helena asked, a hopeful smile reaching her eyes.

"No. So much better."

They laid there for a while--breathing in tandem, amazed at the powerful kicks that such tiny feet could give--spending time enjoying each other's company the way sisters should be able to.

"Much kicking." Helena smiled. "I think they like their _titka_."

"Yeah? Well their auntie loves them very much." Sarah replied. The solace of the peaceful golden room being ruined by the buzz of her cell phone.

"That's S." Sarah sighed. "I have to go, meathead. You be good, yeah?"

"Okay, Sarah." Helena replied, as she watched Sarah walk towards the door. "Please tell Kira that I miss her little face."

"She misses you more." Sarah smiled. "I'm gonna end all this, and then we'll be together. I promise."

Sarah exited the room, shutting the door behind her, fully ready to do whatever it took to put an end to this nightmare.

"Is she alright love?" Siobhan inquired.

"Yeah, she's alright."  
____

Fin

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments give me life.
> 
> Inspired by the quote "I realized I was thinking of you, and I began to wonder how long you'd been on my mind. Then it occurred to me: since I met you, you've never left."


End file.
